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I knew that at some point I would want to make a diary page, just to share little thoughts and such. I'm really happy to finally have set it up!! It really didn't take half as long as my main did, so I'm happy about that.

I'm obsessed with collecting stamps, so maybe I'll figure out a section for them... I love that customization stuff, it's so pretty. Best part of it.

Today, I feel like nothing in particular. Not bad, not good. Cris has some sort of big computer event, so I hope I'll be able to play a game with him or watch a stream or something. I start work soon, which is nerve-wracking... oh well!

[TWS: Body/Weight Talk]

Today I went to the comics expo for the area where I live. I've always considered my options for nerd stuff relatively limited, but I live in an urban area (or, more accurately, in the suburbs right by it), so I got to see a lot of cool people if I drive out a little toward the city!

I got a bunch of pictures of different cosplayers. There was an absolutely stunning Bayonetta that I was so scared to talk to... I must have walked past her 10 times before finally manning up and asking for her photo. Cool people are so intimidating sometimes...

Seeing cosplayers always makes me want to try and cosplay again myself... but I'm really not good at it. I'm afraid I don't have the body type for most anything... I'm too short and stocky for anime twinks and too fat for any short muscular people. I'm just not proportioned very attractively, I'm afraid... at least as far as character designers are concerned.

That said, I got a very cute print of Coco from Witch Hat...! I wasn't really expecting anything of the sort, but I'm so happy to see it... there are people that are actually interested in the things I like after all.

When I got home, I played videogames with Samsa and Mono. I thought I was getting better at DbD, but nope... still pretty trash. It's okay because it's a lot of fun regardless. I hope to play Valorant soon... there's a way to get a character for "free" (or at least relatively less grinding) and I'm almost there... I just need to play a few more matches.

Cris said that tomorrow he might be able to stream. He was so tired today... he didn't get any sleep at all, poor guy. I'd really like that, but I'd like it more if he got some sleep.

I'm a little tired now too, so I think I'll go to bed.

[TWS: Gloomy Discussions of the Future]

It's around 6PM right now. This may seem surprising, but I usually don't get upset when life is dull or nothing exciting is happening. That means I can play games and scroll, enjoy these fleeting days of no responsibility before they all come to an end. That said, the fact that they will end is stressing me out at the moment...

I tried so hard to get a job. I want a job, I want money. I definitely won't quit working, because I want to fly out to see my love and just have nice things. But I can't stand the idea of going day to day to day, doing the same thing just so I don't starve. When I'm no longer a dependant, that will be my life. My whole identity.

My therapist argues otherwise, that I don't need to characterize myself in that way, but what's the first thing any adult asks another adult? "Where do you work?", and "What do you do?". I don't feel like I have a very strong identity right now, but I don't want it decided by work. I want someone else to choose what I am, but I want to be the one to let them do that, not just accept whatever the world tells me.

I don't know where others find the willpower to work... I certainly wasn't born with it. There was this viral video I saw of a girl talking about how she didn't want to work and talking about all the things she'd rather do. There were a bunch of reactions from people, sighing and laughing at her, like she was stupid for thinking like that. Others called her selfish and vain. But I think I relate to her a lot. I'm too tired all of the time. I want to curl up in my bed and never leave.

Of course, these are just my feelings right now... They always change so suddenly, whenever they want to. I'll feel better in time, maybe even later today. I just can't stand being left alone with my thoughts anymore.

Well, I sure was right! I feel much better now, as soon as a few hours later.

My darling finally got some sleep, which is wonderful. He wanted to stream to me to cheer me up, but he was so tired that he couldn't, and instead set up for bed. I ended up watching Halloween with Samsa and Mono, which was more fun than I thought it would be!

The fears aren't gone, but they're quieter now. I also had a delicious dinner, so I'm pretty cheery.

Speaking of my darling, I expect that I'll get kinda super duper mushy on here on occasion, so I wonder if I should tell him outright that I have a diary now... I haven't, like, outright told anyone about the fact that I made one yet, but the fact that it's discoverable means maybe someone might stumble upon it later and find all my jumbled up feelings. But I should at least let him know about it soon. How to bring that up in conversation...?

It's a shame that today's the last day I get to be on my computer during the day. I really wanted to play Valo. But I'll learn to live, I'm sure.

That's all for now, since I'm going to sleep. Night-night!

Yet another day with very little happening. But that's okay! My brain is not pouring out of my ears this time.

My psychiatrist appointment got cancelled, which is a win! She's nice, but she condescends, and I just don't like appointments. I'll have to go tomorrow though, at 9AM...

I spent a lot of the day cleaning and trying desperately to finish my ref for a DnD campaign with my friends. The cleaning was successful but the drawing,, not so much. I just don't know how to do it anymore. I haven't gone craaazy about it. Yet. But I'm sure I will again...

Mom made me draw up concepts for my senior photo outfits. She seemed pretty disappointed that they were all actual suits rather than, like, "girl-ified" suits. She just pursed her lips. I'm not going to dwell on that because I'm in a good mood.

Cris streamed Ace Attorney today too! It was so fun. When he laughs at it I get really happy,, I enjoy knowing that he likes it for himself and not just me. Also, his voice is just lovely... it's dark-toned and rough and kinda sharp at times, in a way that's really charming and warm.

Right now I'm playing video games with Samsa and Mono,, I hope this night continues to go well!

[TWS: Dysphoria n suchlike + Short Grooming ment + Bunny Dying]

My psychiatrist appointment went... not so well. My mom spoke for me the whole time and the lady referred to me like I wasn't even there. I like that kind of thing, where I'm just guided along through things brainlessly, but not like this... I guess it was my fault, seeing as how I could barely get a word out the whole time. I was exhausted as soon as I woke up. When I was on the way home, I saw a dumb tweet and got more angry about it than I should've, too... I could've felt my emotions at the appointment, but no, I had to feel everything properly the minute I made it out. Typical.

I had to go to a uniform sizing for my marching band, and the only undershirt I had was too small for me and pretty revealing in the chest area. I usually don't mind that at home, and on occasional days, but sometimes the hate just hits like a brick and today was that day. Meanwhile my irl who's on T is looking more correct every day. You can see his adam's apple pretty clearly by now. My neck is too chubby for that, and I keep growing my hair out like an idiot.

Of course, I know that there's no "one right way" to be transmasculine, but he checks all the boxes perfectly. He knew since he was a kid, he has a professional diagnosis, and he looked like a guy from the very beginning. He just acts more like a man than I ever have, too. Even outside of those types of things, he's smarter and more attractive and quicker in the head than me. And I'm happy for him! I'm just a terrible, envious person.

I'm sure he thinks I'm just a trender though, and occasionally I do too. Am I just lying to myself? Why would I want to feel so shitty all the time? Is this all some kind of elaborate game I'm playing with myself, just to feel special? When I was a kid, I used to vent these feelings sexually, so finding new mechanisms is a little bit hard when I got so used to one way of dealing with it in my youth (that damaged me, I'm sure).

Outside of that, things also aren't going so great. I had a lot of chores today, and of course I procrastinated, so my mom isn't letting me onto my phone until I clean out my closet (an absolute cesspool of bullshit) tomorrow. I'll do my best, but there's just so much stuff in there... I make it out like I'm a cleanly person, but I really live in squalor. My room looks like a 10 year old girl's room with twice the junk. I enjoy cleaning other people's things and living spaces, not my own. I'm not sure why.

The worst part of that means that I won't be able to talk to Cris hardly at all, not till I gut that closet. And that could take a whole week. I don't have a whole weeks time, either: I have a ref to make and freakishly long band practices (2pm to 7pm? What the fuck? Just add another day to band camp, at that point!!!) and, of course, more chores and appointments and therapy. I just want to curl up and watch my dearest play games again. That was the highlight of my day today. He was as sleepy as I was. If we ever meet, the first thing I want to do is take a nap with him,, even if he thinks I snore, which I don't think I do.

Here's a final, kinda poetic thing: today, me and my parents were in the kitchen (dad was making coffee, mom was working on sewing patterns, and I was washing dishes), and we all saw a tiny bunny outside of the window. It was so small, it could've fit into our palms. We all pointed it out to one another, but it turned out we were pointing three different places: there were actually three tiny bunnies, and we had all spotted a different one.

Dad looked distraught, and I asked why. He said that they were living in our yard. I thought he was just upset about the fact that they would eat our plants or something, so I laughed, but then he said that wasn't it. In reality, when baby bunnies live in our yard and he mows the grass on the lawn, they always run under the mower, into the blades. It leaves blood everywhere.

That was sad, but confusing too. I asked him why that happened, 'cause I thought the bunnies would run away, but he just shrugged. He guessed that they get panicked, and desperately searching for somewhere to go, they dash straight into the machine that's frightening them. I'm sure there's some kind of metaphor in there, but I'm too tired to think about it.

I hope every bunny lives forever. Goodnight.

[TWS: Diet/Weight Mentions]

Today I've been feeling so much better than yesterday. Obviously, I was able to finish with my closet (it wasn't as bad as I thought it was, but it was still pretty rough), and talk to my dearest. I was worried that I wouldn't get the cahnce all day, but we texted lots and I even got to watch him play ace attorney again... I'm so happy...

He got all the way through the second part of the trial, and now he's on the second investigation sequence,, I'm really excited!! This was one of my favorite parts, so I hope he likes it.

We also watched the second to last episode of Good Omens. I really really like Crowleys entire vibe... I love the idea of being a goth and overall just a shitty little imp man. And his sunglasses are awesome too... I'm terrible at dressing nice, though. I really want a proper style, but I just get so tired in the mornings, and I never stick to dressing nice. I get into lots of different substyles and love looking at fashion, but I'm a little too insecure of my body and unmotivated to really get into them. That said, I like dark colors... black n grey n such. Maybe I could work out some kind of really easy to wear stuff. Most likely not.

Outside of time with Cris, I had to go to a band practice. Luckily, it was shortened because the weather was obscenely hot and humid. I'm glad for that. It went ok, just normal sluggish practice as usual, but when I came home I got to have tamago kake gohan. It's one of my favorite ways to make egg rice. While usually I would fry or cook the egg, this recipe requires mixing the egg in raw when the rice is fresh. It also called for other ingredients, like soy sauce, mirin, furikake, and MSG. It was really delicious, and much easier than my usual method. I just only have fresh hot rice around half the time. I usually make two cups at a time, for two meals, and the second is refrigerated and put in the microwave when I want it. I don't really trust microwave rice as much as I trust it fresh.

Really, I need to watch what I eat more carefully. I was really on top of it for a while, but I've gotten lazy over time. I always crave heavy foods, the kind you eat in autumn or winter to warm you up. And sweets, too... but that's just because I like sweets. It's all a test of willpower, I guess, but I'd rather lose the challenge; be here for a good time, not a long time, and all of that. Still, I want to stay in a reasonable range, just for health reasons and the like.

At the beginning of our relationship, I occasionally asked what Cris wanted of me weight-wise, and he just said that he didn't mind. I couldn't believe that... still can't, really. Not a lot of people I've been with have felt the same. I'm really happy about it, though. I feel a lot more confident knowing that he likes me for what I am, so long as I take care of myself. Plus, he says I look nice to hug. I've had a lot of people tell me that backhandedly, but from him, it always makes me smile.

As for other things that happened today, I got to play a few rounds of DbD with Mono in a call on Witchat. A bunch of people joined, including Dorian, Volo, Caden and Astro. I don't talk to them a lot, so I was a bit nervous. The subject turned to classic Danganronpa style roleplays (the ones everyone hosted around 2018-2021). We were talking about stories of experiences and the inherent flaws of that type of roleplay. The only thing was, I brought up a point about the fact that usually, all characters were Japanese (as people adhered to the og games closely) and if you wanted any representation of something else, you usually shoehorned it in through the character being half-Japanese half-other ethnicity. I think I didn't express my point well though. It just seemed like I was saying it was ridiculous that people made their characters mixed, which wasn't at all my intention!! I need to learn how to talk clearer, and interrupt people less on big calls like that...

For the sake of my own brain, I won't dwell on it too much. I need to go do dishes now. Goodnight!

Another dull day... they all keep flying by.

My body was being strange today. It's been shivery or aroused or pained or sickly or hyper, so much that I'll double over one second and start sprinting around the other. But I'm never actually ill, just... gross? It came in waves all day and it was really overwhelming.

I had therapy today. That's all I can really think to take note of, other than a fuck ton of playing Splatoon (which I'm still cracked at, btw). I sat there with the doctor for a while, and we awkwardly discussed this and that and basically made the world's worst small talk. The whole time I was just mumbling this and that.

When I go to my cousins' house in the countryside, I always look at the sky and want to scream. It's the kind of thing that you can't really do in the suburbs, lest everyone clutch their pearls and think you're dying. But I never do, even though I can, because I just don't remember how to scream anymore. I used to as a kid, I'm sure, but when I try, my throat locks up.

In therapy, I want to say really dark things, the stuff I'm actually thinking. I open my mouth and close my mouth and open it again like I'm about to, but I always fail. I lose my voice then, too... it's the same kind of mental block that translates into a physical sensation, the throat closing up and the vocal chords refusing to move.

That might be for the best, because I'm afraid that they'd send me to the hospital. I really don't want to go there, because I doubt it would fix anything.

At the very least, there's a positive in all of this. I got to play Dead by Daylight with Mono, and the matches were super fun. I just dread waking up tomorrow,, I have a four hour long practice and a ref to do. I must have scrapped it and redone it like 12 times by now. I don't know if I really want to do the DnD campaign anymore. I'm conflicted, but I should go through with it, because everyone seems excited and leaving would mean even less people.

I dunno. I'm tired now, g'night.

At long last, band camp is over... one week of misery has passed... despite it all... I am a survivor...

All jokes aside, band camp really wasn't as hard as it was in previous years. It was fun, and I'm a lot stronger than I have been in the past, musically and physically. I had a lot of conversations with peers too, ones that aren't just my immediate friends. Aidan is really excited about Baldur's Gate, and kept on apologizing for bringing it up even though I really didn't mind it (and kept on reminding him that I literally like infodumps). I spent some time with Alex that wasn't 100% me wanting to pull my hair out (he's so nice, and hasn't done anything wrong, but I'm so terribly jealous of him all the time that it poisons our interactions on my end), which was a massive change of pace.

There's a new person too, who's name escapes me at the moment... they're a freshman, and into Hoyoverse games. Aidan brought up that one of his online friends is a big fan of Kafka. I thought he meant the author, but apparently we were talking about the Honkai Character. My mind immmediately jumped to Mimi, lolol . While I decidedly do not care about Genshin much anymore, some of the characters I still really like and claim as my own in my mind palace, so we had a quick convo about Dottore. I think they're happy to have some company in the band, so it's nice to see and help welcome them.

It's so weird to think that it's my last first week of band, though... I don't want to dwell on it or I'll get super gloomy, but I'm really not going to be in highschool much longer. I keep getting college letters in the mail, advertising stuff like open-campuses and just trying to get you to apply... they all advertise themselves the same way, which is funny. They try to be individual, but at the end of the day, the only real difference is cost...

Though camp was tolerable, it just took forever, and pulled me away from my friends and bf a lot, which was no fun. I ended up getting nervous that they didn't like me anymore, and the late nights didn't help. I didn't even get to write here, which is a shame because running this site is a lot of fun. I think this weekend will be dedicated to checking in on everyone I haven't been able to talk to lately. I've missed them a lot.

Another reason it's nice to be back: I can finally have some free time! This morning I got to call with Cris for the first time in a while, which was super fun. He's really cute whenever I pretend I don't know the answer to a puzzle, and his voice is so relaxing. I think I've written about that about a billion times on here, and it's still true . We chatted about a lot of stuff, and he played the new hypmic trailers for me. I'm so unironically excited for the Rei and Jyuto duet, which is wild because I dislike both of the characters (or, like, begrudgingly like them in a "look how fuckign dumb this bitch is" way). We also discussed Milgram, which I think I should get into at this point. Mimi got on my ass once because I said "Milligram" instead of "Milgram", and I'm still bitter. God forbid that I think the title is a normal word!!!

I can also play video games today! Plus, this whole week I've had to avoid drinking tea in the mornings in an effort not to dehydrate myself before practice, and now I can have a cup at last... the case is the same with sweets. Even though I know victory sugar isn't the best idea, maybe I can splurge just a little. I'm really craving dark chocolate...

On Monday, I have to come in for job training. Where? I don't know. When? I also don't know. I text messaged my new boss about it, and it turns out she was on vacation and I interrupted on accident... I feel so terrible, because she told me that she'd be on vacation during this time when I last came in for an interview. What a terrible impression to make... I can only hope she thinks no less of me...

Mono has once again given me 25 Canadian dollars to buy co-op games. I need this job bad. I can't keep letting myself get platonically sugar daddied.

I think that's all of my long, long update... I'm happy to finally be back. Byebye for tonight!

A whole lot of nothing has occured in the past few days...

I'm not mad about that, mind you. It's just been a little bit dreary... I feel like I'm wasting the very few days left I have of Summer, and my mind is an ugly haze. Summoning up thoughts is taking far more effort than it should lately. I spend most of my day rotting away on the sofa or cleaning, as usual.

Was something exciting supposed to happen to me this year? It's the last high school summer vacation I'll ever get, and I've done nothing but dread the coming year and waste away the whole time. At the very least, I got more time to speak to my darling. I haven't called with him so much in ages, and I'll really miss it next week once school begins. I'm unreasonably nervous that he's drifting away from me lately, though, and certainly school will only make it worse. He has every right to, and I know it's probably my addled mind saying these things, but it just adds more fog to the overall haze that my life has become as of late.

I think I pity myself too much, and that drives him away... just reading through these entries confirms that. But praising myself is difficult. For the life of me, I can't be confident.

Regardless of my own insecurities, his company is as wonderful as always. He's currently away at his grandparents' house, and finished a few cool art pieces. The lineup of his Esc characters is my favorite, I think... he's progressed so much with drawing them, it's insane.

I've also been able to get Mono and Volo into a game I enjoy. Granted, they play the sequel while I play the prequel, so I can't really relate to them too much, but it's nice to not be alone. It's kind of a shitty game. The graphics aren't good, the story isn't worth it, and it's an exercise in masochism trying to even have a little bit of fun playing it. But I like pretentious games like that.

My boss hasn't called. It turns out I'll be trained next week, as far as my irls know. How funny is that? I was all stressed out for nothing. I hope she calls soon, though... I want money.

I'm trying to think of other things to say, but there's nothing that comes to mind. I should apply for colleges, but the thought makes me sick. I don't want to leave home. I don't want to grow up. I just want to sleep.

I really wish time would stop, right where it is.

I've had no chance to update my diary lately. It's terrible... I did nothing but dread to myself in here, yeah, but it was better than keeping it in my head, I think...

School started. It felt like nothing at all. There could have been no summer, and I wouldn't have noticed... it just picked up again, right where it left off. That's not strange to me, as it always has, but knowing that it's the last time things will go so predictably? It's terrifying, and doesn't fill me with the same dull resignment as before. Instead, my mood about the future has been even shittier. At least the year has only just started. I'll ignore it for now.

I'm so loud at school. I switch rapidly between loud and compeletely silent, because my volume control is just terrible. It's so cringeworthy. At least my friends seem to get it at this point, though I can't imagine why they still stay around me regardless,, it's kind of them, but they should really tell me off for it! I'm making them look worse too!

My job has started as well. I feel like I dissociate when I walk in and stay that way until I'm home. No matter how much I try, I can't clearly focus on any memory from my time there... but then again, I can't at school either, so that's not surprising. My two friends are my cowokers (my other friend has been out for our recent shifts), and though I love them, they're a couple and won't stop arguing... while we're working... and I'm in the room. There's always a tension about them that you just can't shake, but then they're back to happiness again. Maybe they're just made for eachother in that way. It's awkward, but as long as small bursts of argument keeps them from actually tearing one another apart, I'm alright with it.

Relationship wise, I'm also going through some things. It's private for now, even too private for a page I know nobody will read. It's the main thing playing on my mind, though. It's an ugly cycle of "school is making me not be able to talk to him" and "not being able to talk to him is making me struggle to focus in school".

I dont know. Since I can't say much more than that, it's a good enough place to end. I just wish I could go back to my old, cheery self again.